Forgiveness

FORGIVENESS

It’s the hardest thing to give away

And the last thing on your mind today

It always goes to those who don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel

When the pain they caused is just too real

Takes everything you have to say the word

Forgiveness, forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride

It moves away the mad inside

It’s always anger’s own worst enemy

Even when the jury and the judge

Say you’ve got a right to hold a grudge

It’s the whisper in your ear saying set it free

Forgiveness, forgiveness

Forgiveness, forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

The above words were penned by Matthew West for the song aptly titled, “Forgiveness.” That is not the entire song, but we will save the rest for later. I personally believe he captures the idea very well. So, let’s dig in and find out what forgiveness really is, both culturally and Biblically. Finally, we will look at the effect of forgiveness on both me and you.

FORGIVENESS IN THE CULTURE

According to the American Psychology Association Dictionary of Psychology, “forgiveness involves willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful or otherwise harmed you in some way. Forgiveness is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry. Rather, it involves a voluntary transformation of your feelings, attitudes, and behavior, so that you are no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the person who wronged you.”

In a Southern Living article quoting many famous people on forgiveness, one person said, “Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” Roberto Assagioli.

Forgiveness can be different across cultures. According to Psychology Today, in our Western Culture, we often say that something is forgiven while it actually lingers within us, and will be brought up at a later time. In the Eastern cultures, forgiveness seems to have more of a mutual aspect and is not complete unless both parties participate and reciprocate. There are three types of wrongs that are considered: acts of omission, acts of overbearing, and intentional acts. All require the relationship to be completely reinstated to be considered forgiven.

While forgiveness, and the act leading to it, often include emotions, I could find no definition of forgiveness that included emotions. All make it to be acts of volition. You will find the same Biblically.

Biblical Forgiveness

Forgiveness can be hard to give in two different ways, to others and to oneself. The first step of being a forgiving person is understanding who you are. If you are a Christian, you believe that God created man in his own image. We are his children, adopted into his family by faith in Jesus, the Son of God. But why are we his adopted children in the first place? We have been adopted into his family because we have come to realize that we are human beings who have spiritually failed to live up to the standard that God has set. The only one who lived to that standard is Jesus. That is why we rely on his sacrifice for our forgiveness.

Romans 5:8-9 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him!” Thus, forgiveness is a sign of love. This love that is described is not an emotional love, but rather a volitional love. It is a self-sacrificial love. Christianity teaches that no matter where you may find yourself, God is willing to forgive.

Christians are to be recognized by their love. John 13: 34-35 teaches us, “So I give you now a new commandment: Love each other just as much as I have loved you. For when you demonstrate the same love I have for you by loving one another, everyone will know that you’re my true followers.” If we are really followers of Jesus we are to be known by this sacrificial love for others.

The hardest thing for me is to figure out how I can love everyone when I don’t even like most everyone. There are so many categories of people that I don’t like. I don’t like people that hurt others. I don’t like people that are arrogant. I don’t like people …. Just insert whatever else you want into the blank. Much of the time, I don’t even like myself. I wish I could do so many things better or differently. I wish that I treated people better. I wish I was smarter. I think of so many things that I would change if I had the opportunity.

Jesus had a rather interesting encounter with his disciple Peter one time. Matthew reports in 18:21-22, “Then Peter approached him and asked, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not as many as seven, but seventy times seven.” If Jesus had said that to me, I would have been thinking in my mind, there will never be a chance for me to forgive someone that many times. Once is fine. Twice is okay. The third time, you will not be in my life anymore.

However, now let’s go back to realizing who I am. The first thing that I must do is compare myself to Jesus. It does not take a lot of reading for me to see that I do not measure up well. You see, Jesus did not have to live with any regrets because he lived without sin. Yet for some reason, Jesus decided to come to the earth and die a humiliating death on a cross for someone like me. He apparently thought then, and thinks now, that I am worth forgiving. He loves me that much. Realizing this is something that should bring about a great deal of gratitude in my heart and in my life.

This should also make me realize that Jesus is not finished with me yet where I am in life. Philippians 2:12-13 says to “work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” This doesn’t say that we are to work for our salvation, but rather to work it out in cooperation with God working in us. As we learn this perspective in our lives, we can then work towards not beating ourselves up when we make bad decisions or mess up. The question is not why, but rather what. What is it that God is going to do with this. The Bible tells us that ALL things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28. What this means is that God is able to bring good out of even the worst of circumstances if we just love him and follow his word.

We must next realize that others are in the same boat that we are. Human beings will always disappoint you. I promise if you were to spend a few days with me, you would find yourself thinking, “Well he is not such a good Christian man.” I can disappoint you in a heartbeat. Just ask my wife or my kids. However, when we look at others as image bearers of God, who God is still working on, we begin to see something a bit different. We can say to ourselves then, what is that God might do by changing that life around. We might even say, I wonder if God will allow me to play some small part in changing that life around.

God doesn’t command us to FEEL something emotionally. God commands us to do something. Forgiveness is surrounded by emotions, but it is not driven by emotion. Forgiveness means that I allow myself to act even if I do not feel like it. It is clearly part of the same coin as love. If I am hurt by someone, I must do something about it. If I am disappointed in myself, likewise, I must do something about it.

One of the most important things that we can do is to have someone that we confide in. One of those persons, of course, should be your spouse. Another important person to have in your life though, is someone of your same gender, whom you trust to share the good and the bad and seek wise advice from. There are times Biblically when we should sever our relationship with some people. The Bible does not teach us that we are to suffer abuse at the hands of others. We are also taught that if someone refuses to align themselves with God’s word, that we are to segregate from them in an effort to encourage them to come back to him. This is not a harsh, I’m kicking you out of my life type of action, but rather a genuine attempt to love someone instead of enabling them. In our culture we call it tough love. However, we should definitely seek the wise counsel of others in dealing with difficult relationships.

Finally, I want you to think about something. In John 13 Jesus and his disciples were sitting down for what would be their last meal together before his death. In verse 2, John says, “the evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus.” Then immediately after writing that, John tells us that Jesus stood up, took a basin of water and began washing the disciples feet. Now, we can all see him washing Peter’s feet. See Peter was going to put his life at risk and pull his sword on the guards in just a bit. We can see him washing John’s feet, because John was very close with Jesus. But do you realize that Jesus washed the feet of Judas right before Judas went and betrayed him? I believe that John wrote verse 2 in the place that it was written so that we would make sure that we caught that. Jesus knew exactly what Judas was about to do, yet he washed Judas’s feet, just as he did those who would remain faithful.

There is only one title that the Bible tells Christians to seek. That of servant. Jesus said that he came to serve. The essence of love and forgiveness is the same. It is servanthood. If I think of myself as the chosen servant of God, I must be worthy of forgiveness. If I think of myself as the servant of all around me, then they become worthy of my forgiveness. Like most everything else in Christianity, forgiveness has to come from God. Our emotions follow our mindset which leads our actions. Take captive your thoughts, take captive your tongue and give it all to Him.